Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize