Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
