I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
