Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
