I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
