if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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