Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
