You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
