dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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