In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
