2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
