im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
