Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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