It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
