the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
3 2 1 whiskey
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
