btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
