I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize