stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
