All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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