and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize