Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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