I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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