Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
