We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
