im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
