When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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