Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
