Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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