After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
