I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
