Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
