her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
