so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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