Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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