Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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