Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
No more Irish car bombs ever.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
