Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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