I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
