He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
