Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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