ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
