They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
