I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
