you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
