I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
