I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
