A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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