you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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