He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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