I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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