My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
