Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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