i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
