If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
