guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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